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Sports
Preparing your child for not
making a team
It is much more
difficult for our children today to get
a position on the junior high, high school and select travel teams then
it was when we were kids.
Children begin playing sports in pre-school so the competition is
fierce. To put it simply
there are so many more kids playing sports that your child may be
technically good at his sport, but he still might not make the team.
So not only do you as parents have to help your children cope with the
competitive stress of being on a team, but you have to help them to deal
with the stress of making the team. If
your child is trying out for a team, you need to prepare him for the
possibility that he won't make it.
Here are some guidelines to follow
reprinted from 101 Ways To Be A Terrific Sport Parent by Joel Fish,
Ph.D. Simon & Schuster © 2003
DON'T:
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Discourage.
For example, you don't want to say, Well, you're probably not going
to make it because there are so many other kids who are better.
Don't be negative, be realistic.
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Go overboard with encouragement.
You also don't want to go too far the other way and say, We're
winners in our family! We go for it and get it! or Winners never
quit and quitters never win . . . This is not preparing a child for
the possibility of not making it. This kind of overboard
cheerleading puts more pressure on kids. They think, Oh no, if I
don't make it, Dad will think I'm a quitter.
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Make your child into a victim.
In an attempt to make kids feel better some parents say things like,
You've been robbed! That coach had something against you. Or They
were out to get you. This only heaps another dimension of emotion
and stress upon your child.
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Deny her feelings of loss. If
you say, Who wants to be on the stupid field hockey team anyway,
You're only diminishing what was important to her. You're denying
her feelings and that only makes things worse. Instead, acknowledge
her loss by saying, I know you're very disappointed. It's really
hard to get cut like that.
DO:
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Give a positive reality check.
You want to prepare kids for the possibility of not making the team
without discouraging them from trying. Focus on effort and not
outcome. You can say something like: I can see how hard you're
working to improve your game. I know you really want a place on the
team. But there are over thirty-five freshmen who are trying out for
field hockey this year. Only six of you will make it. I'm not trying
to discourage you. I just want you to know that the competition is
very stiff. It can happen that we work really hard and still don't
get something. It makes us feel bad for a while, but the important
thing is to try. If we don't try our best we never know.
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Give her positive options.
Your child will feel less pressure about trying out for the team if
she knows it's not the end of the world if she doesn't make it. Let
her know: I want you to remember that if for some reason, you don't
make it this year, you can still try out next year. I'll work with
you every Saturday. There's also a girls hockey team forming at the
new sports arena over in the shopping center. We can check that out.
If she doesn't make the team, remind her that she does have options
to play other sports.
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